there is a option in config/home-soft limits that I suppose can
"make it come farther away from the limit switch in z when I ref home "
i think its called "home off"
No thats not what it does, Home Offset merely tells the machine where you want home to be relative to the switches.
My milling machine home switches are about 100mm in from the actual home position so i have a -100mm home offset.
The move away from the switch itself during homing is internal and based upon the switch itself - Mach will move to the switch until it triggers, stop, move away until it opens - that is the home point, it will then stop.