ya it's all good, thank you for that explanation, i think my post came off as complain-y, everything is good. at first i was not sure mach3 could even do a pause as i wanted, so i guess that was really part of my original question as well.
I also realized yesterday a less elegant solution. I could have just disabled the spindle on/off relays setting and simply toggled the spindle on or off on a gpio on the controller card, one that isnt assigned to the "spindle relay" in mach 3, likely this would not get changed in a stop command. Then toggle it in a macro instead of using m3/m5. this is less desirable cause i have to change the setup and then my old gcodes need to be modified etc and as you say with STOP you may lose position etc etc.
"Optional" stop as you suggested does not seem to stop the spindle. Again not intuitive to me but i will take it, since its exactly what i want

Thanks again for your input.